♪It's a Kind of Magic...♪

I'm back in Waterloo, ready for classes to start tomorrow (8:30am though...boo :S Then again, I did start work at 7:30am all the time) Mom & Dad came back from New Hampshire yesterday, and moved me home today, since I don't have a car. I'm still organizing all my shit, but that'll be done as it needs to be. Tonight, I went over to some friends' place, and hung out for awhile - watched the end of the Montreal-Carolina hockey game, and the end of Forrest Gump which was on tv. Then Calvin, Amanda L & I played You Don't Know Jack. I chatted to Daniel a bit, then came home.

I'm starting school tomorrow, yes. Which is good & bad - I look forward to seeing people, but the stress of school I hate. And a few other things I'm not looking forward to. As well, it's always difficult moving back into my parents' place for school, after having freedom for 4 months.

However, I realized today, that after the car accident last week, I'm almost happier this week. I think, for the first time in YEARS, I've actually been truly utterly glad to be alive. It's amazing how a near-death experience brings that. :)

♪It could happen to you...♪

I thought I was doing ok. My nerves are a lot better, and my neck is better.

However, I realized today how tense I am in a car now. I haven't even driven, but I just felt tense & tight on the ride home from work. Doesn't help that we also go on a highway (it's an 80kph as opposed to 100, so not as fast) However, today we went to pass a truck on the left, and I just gripped the car door handle tightly.

My parents are moving me back to Waterloo on Sunday. Which is great - b/c otherwise, I don't know how I'd get back (I'd figure it out, but this is the easiest) However, it's 2+ hours of highway driving. Not only that, but the first hour is on the highway that I crashed. In the opposite direction, but still the same highway.

I just hope it's not raining :S

♪Time may change me...but I can't trace time♪

Life is full of change. This post is partially inspired by my car accident, and partially inspired by Lou's blog entry from last week.

Life changes every day, every hour, every minute. Sometimes, the changes are small and you don't even notice them. Other times, the changes are huge - changes that considerably change your life forever.

I change my underwear & socks every day (as should everyone!) This is a change that I partake in all the time, and while I know I do this every day, I don't really pay attention to it, and it doesn't drastically alter my life (although I would likely have less friends if I didn't do this!)

Sometimes change is good, sometimes it's bad. But life has a mix of both.

My car accident - could have changed my life, and the life of others, a lot more drastically than it did. I could have ended up with broken bones, in a coma, or dead. If I'd had a passenger, they would have at least been in a coma, likely dead, after it. I was lucky with how it ended up - obviously not lucky that I got in the accident in the first place, but lucky that I only ended up with a sore neck & a busted car.

It's amazing though, in that case, how one's life could have been changed in a matter of less than 10 seconds. One second, I'm driving along fine, the next moment my car was hitting the truck, the next moment I was in the ditch. Thank goodness the ditch and not further into the truck.

But there are so many other instances that in that short a time span, one's life could be changed forever.

Then, there's the case of me (& my schoolmates) being in co-op at university. We do 4 months of school, then 4 months of work, lather rinse repeat. So I'm coming off a work term, to start school next week - finish living my 4 months in Sarnia, and move back to Waterloo. Then, in another 4 months, move elsewhere and work at a new company. While I always look forward to going back to school, at the same time, I am saddened to be leaving work (which actually started getting enjoyable towards the end), the money, and the job - not to mention this term, leaving my awesome housemates Rob & Katie (I think this is the first time that I'm not grumbling about the roommates by the end!) This is the end of my 5th work term, and from my previous 4, there are some people that I've kept in contact with, and some I haven't talked to since.

At the same time, at the end of the school term, I'm always more saddened. Yes I'm joyed that the stress of the term is over, but I'm always saddened to say good-bye to my friends. There are some that I keep in touch with over the work term, and ones that I don't talk to at all during work.

But, the changing all the time, I love it (ok, I don't love moving every 4 months, but the rest is ok!) After 4 months, I'm usually bored of work or school, and thrilled to be going elsewhere. I don't look forward to getting a full-time job after graduation when everything is so routine. I do enjoy change.

Life is change. It's an experience - new things, new people, all the time. I've definitely been reminded that all these things are precious. Also that I need to sit back and enjoy life, and learn things from life. And treasure all the happy moments that life brings.

♫I think I'm Paranoid♫

First off, accident update: neck was pretty sore this morning, but I've been stretching it all day & rubbing it myself, and it's not feeling too bad now. My nerves are fairly calm - I'm still thinking a lot, but not so much about the "what if"s, but a number of other things that I've come to realize from this experience. But I don't think I'm ready to write them down yet. However, in my mind, I can still remember the thoughts going through my head, and the visions of seeing the truck coming closer & closer to my car. I was screaming "shit no shit no shit shit shit!" but thinking that I was going to die. I don't think I'll actually forget those thoughts, although a number of people say that in cases like that, your life is supposed to flash before your eyes. Maybe I didn't get to that point yet, although I'm sure if I hadn't turned around, and had gone further into the truck, I might have had that. That was one of the scariest moments of my life.

I was actually going to write about this about a week and a half ago, but never did. I find myself to be a paranoid person when it comes to others. And when they travel far. My parents left for New Hampshire on Easter morning (which is when I was going to write this) and I thought "they may not make it down there." Not the first time I've thought this - any time they travel anywhere, I think this. Or if a friend is travelling, or one of my siblings. I don't know...I always just expect the worst. I also think this if someone's late. I'm so very paranoid about these things.

Yet, I never worried about me being in an accident or dying. Maybe it's b/c of what I said in my last post, that I don't generally care about my own death (at least, not till now) But also, it's probably a slight feeling of invincibililty. So many young people have this. And I don't think I'm wreckless...yes, there are times that I drive too fast, but I've never feared anything happening. I don't think I ever thought I was totally invincible, but maybe a little bit. But I realized after this that I'm not invincible. These things can happen so quickly! It's scary. Right now, I've driven in a car since then on my way to work, but I haven't actually driven. I'm a little nervous to get behind the wheel again. I don't know...I might be able to drive in the city, but I'm freaked out to drive on the highway.

Can't think of a song lyric for this post.

Some of you have heard, but others have not, but last night (Sunday) I was involved in a car accident on my way from Waterloo back to Sarnia.

Before you worry, don't. I'm ok. Which is impressive, if you saw my car - it's pretty much totalled.

The rain was coming down pretty hard at one point, then it slowed & was just a little drizzle. I was behind a big truck, and was getting all the backsplash from it. So, when the rain slowed, I decided to pass it. I moved over, and started going, and was doing fine. I was about 1/3 of the way past, when I hit water on the road, and lost control. Swerved into the tractor trailer and out, and into the ditch between the two directions of highway. My frame is busted, my windshield shot, my car scraped to hell, and I walked out with just glass all over me, and very shaken up.

I went to the hospital in London, and waited 2 hours for a 2-minute checkup to make sure I was ok. I tried calling Rob & Katie in Sarnia, but no response, so I ended up calling Glen, who's the only one in London whose number I knew. He came to get me, we went to where my car was locked up (and I realized how bad it was). He would have driven me to Sarnia, but he's also having trouble with his car, and didn't think it would make it there & back. So we went to Greyhound to see if I could catch a bus, then I ended up grabbing a bus back (although it was mroe like an airporter, which was nice) through Robert Q travel, which was also cheaper probably. A nice lady also on the bus gave me a ride home from the bus station, so very much appreciated. The first thing I did when I got home was call my boss' extension to tell him I wouldn't be in this morning (I did go to work this afternoon)

My parents are in New Hampshire babysitting my nephew, and I couldn't get ahold of them last night, but I talked to them today. I was a little nervous to break the news, but I obviously had to. They took it pretty well - glad that I was alright, since that's the main thing. Dad told me a few other things that I needed to take care of, and they're also going to leave New Hampshire a day early on Saturday, to move me back to Waterloo on Sunday.

Right now, other than my neck & my nerves, I'm doing fairly ok. Talking to my parents tonight, as well as a conversation with Ally helped a lot. I'm still a little shaky. And just thinking of the "What If"'s of the situation.

A girl in my class, Wing Yan, was originally thinking of coming with me this weekend, but ended up not. Had she (or anyone else) been in the passenger seat, it's likely they would have been dead now. The thought of that just freaks me out. It also scares me that Ally also quite often comes with me on weekends, and she's one of my very good friends, so what if she would have been there. I can deal with the $110 fine & the 2 points taken off my license for "Failure to Drive in Marked Lane" (and whatever else comes out of this) but I would not be able to live with the knowledge of someone else being involved in that accident. The idea of either being there, and possibly dying, sends chills down my back.

Then again, if Wing Yan had been in the car, we would have left a few minutes later, which might have avoided the whole thing?

About 15-20 minutes before I left, my friend Greg (who's back in Waterloo) called, wanting to know if I wanted to go for coffee. We discussed options for a bit, and decided that since I wanted to get back, and would only have an hour, so we decided to delay the get-together till after I move back, when I have more time. But what if I had gone with him? I would have left later, and maybe avoided the accident altogether? But on the other hand, it may have been worse?

Also, my reason for leaving at that time was to get back to Sarnia for dinner, since I have food to eat up here, and my parents aren't home right now. But what if I had eaten in Waterloo?

I thought of my friend Amanda L while waiting in the hospital. A large part of the reason that I was in Waterloo this weekend was her birthday on Saturday. She's also had a few funerals to go to this year already, and when I talked to her tonight, she said the same thing I thought, that she couldn't handle any more funerals, especially for any of her friends.

I talked to my parents earlier yesterday before I left. We had planned to talk at some point yesterday, but they ended up calling in the afternoon. They had gone to Church (as they do every weekend) and Dad specifically said on the phone that he prayed for me at Church. Mom said the same thing on the phone tonight, that she thought Dad had prayed for me. This also reminds me of when my parents went to Australia the first time...Dad almost got hit by a car when he was crossing the street, since cars drive on the opposite side there. When he jumped back, or fell back, or whatever he did, this small angel that he was carrying (that I think he got from a nun, but not sure) fell out of his pocket. I've had a lot of issues for the past few years - issues with faith & religion & all that. Perhaps Dad specifically praying for me at church, and telling me this, I don't know - it could be a sign? I'm not sure what to think right now.

In the hospital last night, and all day today (I did go to work this afternoon, but was deeply distracted) I've done a lot of thinking about a lot of things. Life, religion, what's important, etc. It's going to cause a lot of self-searching over the next little while, which could lead to either a lot of journal entries, or not many at all. We'll see.

One thing I did realize though is about my life. My moods have always been up & down, and in high school, I did have the occasional suicidal thought. I never tried anything, and after a boy in my grade killed himself in grade 12, I realized that I never could do it. However, I still had thoughts that if I die, I die, and I wasn't too worried. I didn't care if I died...I didn't want others to die, but my own death didn't seem to matter. However, after last night's accident, sitting in the hospital, waiting for the doctor to check me out, I sat shivering with a blanket around me, crying. I realized that I'm not ready to die, and I really don't want to.

♪And I think to myself, what a wonderful world♪

I took my car in for an oil change this morning. So, while I was waiting, I wandered over to Chapters. As I normally do, I wandered quite a bit around there, but eventually found myself spending a long time in the Travel Section. Looked around there - leafed through a book on moving to Japan (since I'm still looking at teaching there for a year after graduation) Looked at books for a few other places, then was looking for awhile through a few books on "Places to see before you die" and "adventures to have before you die."

I know I've written about these things before, but books like this remind me of how much else is out there - there's so much outside of South-Western Ontario to see. I want to travel...I want to see the world. I find myself very jealous of my brother once again - he's been to *at least* 25 countries! Yes, I know I've been to Australia, but there's so much more there that I didn't see...I only saw Sydney, Melbourne, Canberra, the Great Barrier Reef & the Daintree Rainforest (which were all awesome in themselves...but with the first 2 especially, I didn't see nearly everything there either!)

Chapters also reminded me of other things I'm interested in/want to learn more about. But there's only so much time in a day. And I find that I waste a lot of it. As well, I'm working full-time right now....well, only for another week, then back to school. But I have a work report that I need to complete for school, and then school will bring lots of studying & assignments & labs & my 4th year project. I know I could do so much more with my time, as well as keeping up with school, but again, I waste too much time :S Mainly b/c I'm not interested in my work report right now, or studying when I go back.

This brings me back to my program. I really don't know if chem eng is actually what I want to do, but I only have a year left, and I've spent too much time & money on it to quit now, so I will stick it out. But, I don't know what I want to do in it. I've discovered through co-op that I don't like the working life - the full time hours, the routine. I hate routine!

I really wish I didn't have to work after graduation, as I have more interest in travel & other things. But, in order to do those other things, I need the money :S I've paid my tuition for next term, I have one more paycheque coming in, and I'm doing alright financially, so while I've mentioned it on here before, I've decided I'm definitely going to go on a trip somewhere after exams finish in August, before my work term in September. I don't know where yet. I kind of want to visit my sister/brother-in-law/nephew, but at the same time, that's not letting me see anything new. So my thoughts are still going to Western Canada, which I've never seen, but would love to. Going on a Contiki Tour in Europe, like Lou & Lucas did last summer. Or some friends have mentioned road trips to either Florida or Mexico. I don't know how serious the road trip discussion is - I think destination-wise, that's the one I'd least like to do, but I think the idea of a road trip with friends would be an absolute BLAST!! I also know a few people who might be interested in going to Western Canada with me, so that'd also be fun. I think the tour in Europe's more of an option if I'm going to be travelling alone. But we shall see.

I've also decided that when I do start work full-time, I will get holidays every year, so I'll hopefully be able to go on a good trip somewhere every year. It's weird...a lot of people my age like to go to resorts in Cuba or Dominican, or somewhere. While I'd like to go on one of those once, I have no interest in going more than once - I'd much rather go somewhere else that I can see other things...I'm much more interested in seeing architecture or other cultures, etc.

Yes, I'm definitely feeling restless in Ontario :S There's so much I want to see, do, learn, pay more attention to than school or work. But I guess that those things that I *need* to do, I should try to work harder & more effectively. Then I might ultimately find myself having more time for other things. And I think I would prefer to spend money on those bigger things - enough spending on things that I don't need! (ok, so this should include alcohol...but we'll see about that :P I think that I won't have as many "big drinking nights" this term)

Well, I wanted to get that out. Time to go do some work report, before I go out for Amanda's birthday tonight (which I'll likely only predrink stuff I already own, and only spend money on cover :P)

♪Help! I need somebody...Help! Not just anybody...♪

Living in Sarnia, I get some of the Detroit radio stations - one of them (The WRIF) has a very entertaining morning show, that we listen to on the way to work every morning.
On that morning show, I heard one story in the last 2 weeks that irked me, and today, I heard a second, similar story that also bothered me. Both occurring in Detroit, but could happen anywhere.

The first story: a woman collapses, and her son, who's about 4, calls 911. B/c he is so young, the 911 operator assumes it's fake, and doesn't do anything - no ambulance or anything.

The story this morning: a woman gets shot while arguing with her boyfriend (or maybe husband?) in bed. He then does one civil thing, and brings her the phone to call 911. She calls, and according to the operator, "sounds too normal" even though she claims she's dying. So the operator assumes it's a fake call, and doesn't do anything.

I don't know what the outcome of either story was - I think both women lived, and I think both ended up going to court. But WTF?? In situations like these, the operators NEED to send people out! I know that when I have kids, I'll teach them how to call 911 as soon as they can, b/c it's something that someday I might need them to do! And I think that many parents probably would do the same thing.

Yes, I know that many 911 calls are fake. And some you know they're fake, but in situations like both the above, that cannot be assumed. I thought that you got a fine for a fake 911 call, but apparently not :S And many of the excuses for not doing anything about some of these calls is that they're "short-staffed." Which is ABSURD - an emergency line should NEVER be short-staffed! As they said on the radio, and I agree, if they're short-staffed, then they should implement the fining, and use that money to hire more people!

This type of thing scares the shit out of me. What if, one day, one of my friends, or family members, or even myself, is in some type of trouble, and 911 is called, and the operator thinks that it's a "phony call" and doesn't do anything? This type of thing could cause bigger problems, including death if immediate attention is needed!

**EDIT: I'm apparently not with it, but the woman with the son did die - apparently the operator told the boy that if he didn't put on an adult, she would send out the police & he'd be in trouble, so he hung up. Now the operator is still working, pending investigation, and the family is suing. Very sad :S

♪You've got to know when to hold'em, know when to fold'em, know when to walk away, know when to run♪

I went to Casino Niagara on Friday night.

It was not my first time at a casino. Although it was my first time in an Ontario casino (the other two times were in Montreal and Melbourne) However, it was also my first time actually spending money in a casino.

I was smart. I only took $40 in with me, and left the rest in the car. And I went in with the attitude that I would lose it - I think you have to have that attitude. (Ok, so more precisely, my attitude was "I hope I win, but I likely won't.")

I played slots. For two reasons. First off, I don't play well enough to play blackjack or poker, and secondly, most of the tables had minimum bets of at least $15 (a lot were $25 though...and some higher ones) So my $40 wouldn't get me far. If I would have taken more money with me, I likely would have played Sickbo, and while I could have played that longer than BJ or poker (since it was $3 minimum), it still wouldn't have lasted as long.

So I played the $0.25 slots (and a bit on the nickel slots...but mainly the $0.25) I definitely lost all $40. Yes, I did have a few pulls that gained me money, but by the end, I lost it all. It was fun alright - it's fun when you win. Amanda was sitting 2 down from me (with Pete in the middle) and I cheered one time, and she's like "what'd you win?" and I was like "FIVE DOLLARS!!" She gave me a high five - it was exciting! And this other lady laughed at us :P

So I lost my first $20 - took some time, but definitely lost it. Then we wandered around some. Eventually I made it back to the machines. Lost another $10. Cashed out, and had 2 $5's and some change in my pocket. Wandered some more, lost another $5. Wasn't going to spend the other $5, but the slot machine was calling my name. Flashing it's lights at me. Tempting me...tempting me.

I caved. It was easy to. I was wide awake (thanks to the extra oxygen that they pump into casinos) and I just couldn't resist. Again, I lost the other $5, but that was ok - I had gone, assuming I would lose $40, and I did. But even when I was up in money a few times, there's still the thoughts that went through my head that "this next pull could be the jackpot." It's always the "what if." My one friend was up $60 at one point, and couldn't stop when she was ahead, so she lost all of that too.

I was glad that I left my other $60 in the car, b/c I know that I would have likely spent at least another $20. Hell, I was tempted to go to the bank machine and endure the $3 service fee to take out more money to play some more. Luckily I resisted, and since I had separated from everyone, I went and sat near the bar where there was a live band, and watched till my friends were ready to leave.

It was scary though - I was just playing the cheap slots. But I watched some of the blackjack, and people were throwing down $100 or more each hand. Yes, while you can win at blackjack, it's still not likely, and there are more losers than winners. Then there were slot machines that were $20 per pull, and apparently ones that were $100 per pull. Which is CRAZY! Obviously the payout would be awesome if you hit the jackpot, but that's really really REALLY unlikely!

It's scary to think about how much money people blow at a casino. I mean, some people go & can play from 7pm-7am, and not realize how long they're there for. I had paid attention to time all night (b/c I always do) but my friends all thought it was close to midnight when we left, when in fact, it was almost 2am. Time goes fast, they blow in extra oxygen so that you're awake (as well as serving free pop/coffee)and it's just so tempting to think that the next pull, or hand, or roll of the dice could win you big money!

It was a fun time though. I'm glad I went (although I was hoping to win :P) and I can't say that I'll never go & gamble at a casino again. But I refuse to become one of those uncontrollable gambling addicts - I'll definitely continue to take in $x, and spend only that.