Can't think of a song lyric for this post.

Some of you have heard, but others have not, but last night (Sunday) I was involved in a car accident on my way from Waterloo back to Sarnia.

Before you worry, don't. I'm ok. Which is impressive, if you saw my car - it's pretty much totalled.

The rain was coming down pretty hard at one point, then it slowed & was just a little drizzle. I was behind a big truck, and was getting all the backsplash from it. So, when the rain slowed, I decided to pass it. I moved over, and started going, and was doing fine. I was about 1/3 of the way past, when I hit water on the road, and lost control. Swerved into the tractor trailer and out, and into the ditch between the two directions of highway. My frame is busted, my windshield shot, my car scraped to hell, and I walked out with just glass all over me, and very shaken up.

I went to the hospital in London, and waited 2 hours for a 2-minute checkup to make sure I was ok. I tried calling Rob & Katie in Sarnia, but no response, so I ended up calling Glen, who's the only one in London whose number I knew. He came to get me, we went to where my car was locked up (and I realized how bad it was). He would have driven me to Sarnia, but he's also having trouble with his car, and didn't think it would make it there & back. So we went to Greyhound to see if I could catch a bus, then I ended up grabbing a bus back (although it was mroe like an airporter, which was nice) through Robert Q travel, which was also cheaper probably. A nice lady also on the bus gave me a ride home from the bus station, so very much appreciated. The first thing I did when I got home was call my boss' extension to tell him I wouldn't be in this morning (I did go to work this afternoon)

My parents are in New Hampshire babysitting my nephew, and I couldn't get ahold of them last night, but I talked to them today. I was a little nervous to break the news, but I obviously had to. They took it pretty well - glad that I was alright, since that's the main thing. Dad told me a few other things that I needed to take care of, and they're also going to leave New Hampshire a day early on Saturday, to move me back to Waterloo on Sunday.

Right now, other than my neck & my nerves, I'm doing fairly ok. Talking to my parents tonight, as well as a conversation with Ally helped a lot. I'm still a little shaky. And just thinking of the "What If"'s of the situation.

A girl in my class, Wing Yan, was originally thinking of coming with me this weekend, but ended up not. Had she (or anyone else) been in the passenger seat, it's likely they would have been dead now. The thought of that just freaks me out. It also scares me that Ally also quite often comes with me on weekends, and she's one of my very good friends, so what if she would have been there. I can deal with the $110 fine & the 2 points taken off my license for "Failure to Drive in Marked Lane" (and whatever else comes out of this) but I would not be able to live with the knowledge of someone else being involved in that accident. The idea of either being there, and possibly dying, sends chills down my back.

Then again, if Wing Yan had been in the car, we would have left a few minutes later, which might have avoided the whole thing?

About 15-20 minutes before I left, my friend Greg (who's back in Waterloo) called, wanting to know if I wanted to go for coffee. We discussed options for a bit, and decided that since I wanted to get back, and would only have an hour, so we decided to delay the get-together till after I move back, when I have more time. But what if I had gone with him? I would have left later, and maybe avoided the accident altogether? But on the other hand, it may have been worse?

Also, my reason for leaving at that time was to get back to Sarnia for dinner, since I have food to eat up here, and my parents aren't home right now. But what if I had eaten in Waterloo?

I thought of my friend Amanda L while waiting in the hospital. A large part of the reason that I was in Waterloo this weekend was her birthday on Saturday. She's also had a few funerals to go to this year already, and when I talked to her tonight, she said the same thing I thought, that she couldn't handle any more funerals, especially for any of her friends.

I talked to my parents earlier yesterday before I left. We had planned to talk at some point yesterday, but they ended up calling in the afternoon. They had gone to Church (as they do every weekend) and Dad specifically said on the phone that he prayed for me at Church. Mom said the same thing on the phone tonight, that she thought Dad had prayed for me. This also reminds me of when my parents went to Australia the first time...Dad almost got hit by a car when he was crossing the street, since cars drive on the opposite side there. When he jumped back, or fell back, or whatever he did, this small angel that he was carrying (that I think he got from a nun, but not sure) fell out of his pocket. I've had a lot of issues for the past few years - issues with faith & religion & all that. Perhaps Dad specifically praying for me at church, and telling me this, I don't know - it could be a sign? I'm not sure what to think right now.

In the hospital last night, and all day today (I did go to work this afternoon, but was deeply distracted) I've done a lot of thinking about a lot of things. Life, religion, what's important, etc. It's going to cause a lot of self-searching over the next little while, which could lead to either a lot of journal entries, or not many at all. We'll see.

One thing I did realize though is about my life. My moods have always been up & down, and in high school, I did have the occasional suicidal thought. I never tried anything, and after a boy in my grade killed himself in grade 12, I realized that I never could do it. However, I still had thoughts that if I die, I die, and I wasn't too worried. I didn't care if I died...I didn't want others to die, but my own death didn't seem to matter. However, after last night's accident, sitting in the hospital, waiting for the doctor to check me out, I sat shivering with a blanket around me, crying. I realized that I'm not ready to die, and I really don't want to.