Shine on you crazy diamond
So I've found myself in a funk lately. I'm not completely depressed, but yes, funkish. Some may think of it as almost my quarter-life crisis. I'm just confused - it's really hitting me this week that I graduate in a year, and I have no idea what I want to do! I don't even know if I really want to do anything related to engineering.
I'm 22 years old, to be 23 in September. Assume I live to be 90...that's a quarter of my life gone already. 25%! That's HUGE! And who knows, it could be a bigger percentage, could be smaller (I don't know how long I'll life!) But let's assume 25%. And I feel like I haven't accomplished a damn thing in that time...ok, I've been in school for most of it, but still, I haven't achieved anything! And I have no idea where my life is going. I don't know what I want to do.
Despite the fact that I have to move every 4 months, one thing I like about coop is that I get a change every 4 months. B/c I get bored easily! I'm usually ready to go back to school at the end of the work term (actually usually about halfway through or before!) and I'm ready to go to work at the end of school (although slightly less so, since I like having all my friends around during school terms...work terms can be lonely!) And yet, I haven't had a job yet that I've absolutely LOVED, so that hasn't helped me figure out what I want to do.
Then I look at Josh, my fellow co-op student and in the class below me, and he knows exactly what he wants to do, and plans on living in Sarnia for his life, and is engaged!!! He seems to have everything totally planned out, and I'm here, clueless. While I'm not ready to settle down into anything, and am semi-afraid of committment, so I'm slightly glad I'm not too planned out, but it's frustrating to not have a clue.
Ok, so there are a few things that I might want to do. I've considered getting my bartending license for quite awhile. I'd also like to go to Japan or Korea or somewhere to teach English. Ally also mentioned the other day working at the Ontario Science Center, and I think that'd be a blast! I want to travel, I want to see things, I don't want to settle into "routine."
And yet, I do want a husband & family one day. Not yet, but some day. Which is going to cause me to enter "routine"....but then again, I guess by that time, maybe I'll be ready for that.
On a similar note, lately I'm in a funk about my single status. AND I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS!!! I generally don't mind being single, but at the same time, I see other people in relationships, and I'm jealous that I don't have anyone to share things with. And yet, I know I don't need one, and since I do graduate in a year, I can do whatever I want afterwards, and won't be held back by a guy. And yet at the same time, *sigh* I don't know...
I find since I joined the gym, I don't have enough time in the evenings. Don't get me wrong, I'm really glad I joined the gym - I feel a lot better lately b/c of it. But at the same time, it takes up a lot of time. Between that, and email/MSN/the large shitload of blogs that I read, and making dinner (there are nights that I make a good meal, but it takes a long time!) I don't have much time to do some of the other things I wanted to do this term - I have a lot of books to read, but haven't read as much as I'd like, and I haven't played guitar as often as I want, or watched movies, or cross-stitched, or do many other things. There are also days when I'm super-tired at work, and vow to get to bed earlier, but it never happens. There are days that I struggle to get to bed by 11:30pm, which is when I try to go by!
However, on the other hand, last weekend I was in Sarnia & had lots of time to do these things...same with this weekend, but Ally's also here (as is Brandon) Yet, I was bored, and didn't do as much of these things as I wanted. Those of you that know me know that I usually like to be on the go, and be with people. I stayed here for a relaxing weekend last weekend, and while it wasn't a bad weekend, I wished that I had gone somewhere. Especially since I heard about everyone else's plans, which were much more exciting than mine. I tend to get jealous easily when other people do fun things, b/c I always want to do everything! Even if I go somewhere with friends, and have a fabulous time, if I hear about other adventures that other people have, I feel slightly saddened that I didn't do that too, even though I also had a great time doing whatever I was doing.
It's weird - I can go and have a great time with friends, and be high on life during that (very rarely high on other stuff...unless it's alky :P) but I could be just super-excited & happy from that, but then I'll return home, and cool down, and that's when I get depressed, b/c I'm alone again. :S
Lately, b/c Matt & a few others read Wikipedia regularly, I've started reading the Wikipedia article of the day, which is pretty interesting :) Today I learned about the flag of Mexico! I also read up on scientology, since they were talking about Tom Cruise on the radio this morning!
I really want to go dancing...clubbing would be fun, but in particular, I want to go swing dancing again! Also, after seeing the girls win hockey the other day, I miss playing hockey :(
Speaking of which, stupid men's team. :**( On amusing news related to that, Pete left me an MSN message that said "Yea! Canada LOST!! .... oh wait, I didn't want that to happen, sorry, I'm just so used to disagreeing with you :(" LOL - brought me amusement on that sad sad day.
Despite the hockey, I'm really impressed & proud on how Canada's done so far these Olympics!! Although by the looks of it, I'm not going to win the Olympic pool at work, since I said 21 medals, but they 're already at 20, and should win a few more. Oh well...yea Canada!
I think this entry's long enough. What a very up & down entry - sorry about the ranty parts :S Have a good weekend all.
I'm 22 years old, to be 23 in September. Assume I live to be 90...that's a quarter of my life gone already. 25%! That's HUGE! And who knows, it could be a bigger percentage, could be smaller (I don't know how long I'll life!) But let's assume 25%. And I feel like I haven't accomplished a damn thing in that time...ok, I've been in school for most of it, but still, I haven't achieved anything! And I have no idea where my life is going. I don't know what I want to do.
Despite the fact that I have to move every 4 months, one thing I like about coop is that I get a change every 4 months. B/c I get bored easily! I'm usually ready to go back to school at the end of the work term (actually usually about halfway through or before!) and I'm ready to go to work at the end of school (although slightly less so, since I like having all my friends around during school terms...work terms can be lonely!) And yet, I haven't had a job yet that I've absolutely LOVED, so that hasn't helped me figure out what I want to do.
Then I look at Josh, my fellow co-op student and in the class below me, and he knows exactly what he wants to do, and plans on living in Sarnia for his life, and is engaged!!! He seems to have everything totally planned out, and I'm here, clueless. While I'm not ready to settle down into anything, and am semi-afraid of committment, so I'm slightly glad I'm not too planned out, but it's frustrating to not have a clue.
Ok, so there are a few things that I might want to do. I've considered getting my bartending license for quite awhile. I'd also like to go to Japan or Korea or somewhere to teach English. Ally also mentioned the other day working at the Ontario Science Center, and I think that'd be a blast! I want to travel, I want to see things, I don't want to settle into "routine."
And yet, I do want a husband & family one day. Not yet, but some day. Which is going to cause me to enter "routine"....but then again, I guess by that time, maybe I'll be ready for that.
On a similar note, lately I'm in a funk about my single status. AND I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS!!! I generally don't mind being single, but at the same time, I see other people in relationships, and I'm jealous that I don't have anyone to share things with. And yet, I know I don't need one, and since I do graduate in a year, I can do whatever I want afterwards, and won't be held back by a guy. And yet at the same time, *sigh* I don't know...
I find since I joined the gym, I don't have enough time in the evenings. Don't get me wrong, I'm really glad I joined the gym - I feel a lot better lately b/c of it. But at the same time, it takes up a lot of time. Between that, and email/MSN/the large shitload of blogs that I read, and making dinner (there are nights that I make a good meal, but it takes a long time!) I don't have much time to do some of the other things I wanted to do this term - I have a lot of books to read, but haven't read as much as I'd like, and I haven't played guitar as often as I want, or watched movies, or cross-stitched, or do many other things. There are also days when I'm super-tired at work, and vow to get to bed earlier, but it never happens. There are days that I struggle to get to bed by 11:30pm, which is when I try to go by!
However, on the other hand, last weekend I was in Sarnia & had lots of time to do these things...same with this weekend, but Ally's also here (as is Brandon) Yet, I was bored, and didn't do as much of these things as I wanted. Those of you that know me know that I usually like to be on the go, and be with people. I stayed here for a relaxing weekend last weekend, and while it wasn't a bad weekend, I wished that I had gone somewhere. Especially since I heard about everyone else's plans, which were much more exciting than mine. I tend to get jealous easily when other people do fun things, b/c I always want to do everything! Even if I go somewhere with friends, and have a fabulous time, if I hear about other adventures that other people have, I feel slightly saddened that I didn't do that too, even though I also had a great time doing whatever I was doing.
It's weird - I can go and have a great time with friends, and be high on life during that (very rarely high on other stuff...unless it's alky :P) but I could be just super-excited & happy from that, but then I'll return home, and cool down, and that's when I get depressed, b/c I'm alone again. :S
Lately, b/c Matt & a few others read Wikipedia regularly, I've started reading the Wikipedia article of the day, which is pretty interesting :) Today I learned about the flag of Mexico! I also read up on scientology, since they were talking about Tom Cruise on the radio this morning!
I really want to go dancing...clubbing would be fun, but in particular, I want to go swing dancing again! Also, after seeing the girls win hockey the other day, I miss playing hockey :(
Speaking of which, stupid men's team. :**( On amusing news related to that, Pete left me an MSN message that said "Yea! Canada LOST!! .... oh wait, I didn't want that to happen, sorry, I'm just so used to disagreeing with you :(" LOL - brought me amusement on that sad sad day.
Despite the hockey, I'm really impressed & proud on how Canada's done so far these Olympics!! Although by the looks of it, I'm not going to win the Olympic pool at work, since I said 21 medals, but they 're already at 20, and should win a few more. Oh well...yea Canada!
I think this entry's long enough. What a very up & down entry - sorry about the ranty parts :S Have a good weekend all.
posted by Jill at
1:30:00 p.m.
3 Comments:
Hey jill,
Dont worry about not knowing what u wanna do...i feel your pain as well. Just like the advice you gave me...just go on everyday learning new things, etc...and things will fall into place eventually. As far as the relationship piece and being lonely...i can relate to that too. You dont need a guy in your life to make it better, but if you did have a great bf...it does make life that much more better. But you'll find someone one of these days, u just watch =). The downside is that they might be a distraction during school, so i guess being single is definitely beneficial for that aspect. Anyways, have a good weekend, talk to ya later,
Sophie
By
Anonymous, at 7:10 p.m.
Jill, Jill, Jill...
I'm pretty sure everybody feels the same way that you do about their lives. I don't know anybody who's certain that this is what the actually want to do and most people feel like they aren't being productive with their time either. Sure you haven't been able to keep up with your reading, but you've accomplished a lot so far this coop term - you should be proud!
25% of our lives may be over, but we could barely formulate sentences for most of that (Wait, I still can't really formulate sentences). The good years of your life have barely started! I wouldn't worry about feeling as though you've missed out on life until you're 40.
You should cheer up and smile! Life is too short to spend moping.
Take care!
By
Anonymous, at 8:33 a.m.
Jill, you've acomplished a lot already. your years of education can get you anywhere you want. Just have a positive attitude. Things will fall into place soon.
Have a great 2nd quarter!
By
Anonymous, at 6:16 p.m.
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